


fly me to the moon (and let me play among the stars)

by roisale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, M/M, i hope u like shitty megane trashbaby moon princes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 05:21:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1539215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roisale/pseuds/roisale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A firefly glowing through the cage of slender fingers and faith; a glittering maybe-moon rock, or perhaps, a secret yearning to be just like his hero – these are some of the things Tsukishima keeps close to him when he is a boy. The night before his brother’s last volleyball match, he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose with blind confidence and makes a wish on a shooting star.</p><p>Later on, he learns that there’s a minor caveat when it comes to shooting stars.</p><p>They all burn out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fly me to the moon (and let me play among the stars)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [princetetsu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princetetsu/gifts).



> i've been told my writing is very similar to fall out boy lyrics sometimes so there's the disclaimer of the day i guess

 

i – you want to be an astronaut 

He wants to go to the moon.

Picking out constellations at night isn’t enough, even if he loves the cool dampness of the soft grass when he lies down flat on his back in his backyard and watches the sky. He likes the kisses from evening breezes and flickering fireflies that fly in lazy spirals towards the stratosphere – sometimes, they look like dancing stars. It’s one more marvel to look at with eyes wide open, but he still wants to see the view from the moon; he wants to see the earth, not from it. He thinks it would be lovely; he thinks, _I want to go there_ – he thinks, _maybe I can._

Years later, Tsukishima Kei tilts his head back to look at the moon and says wryly to himself: _you always did expect too much._

 

ii – a broken pedestal is just sentimental rubble

Tsukishima doesn’t really know when he stopped stargazing in his backyard; he doesn’t know when he started to block out most of the people around him. They’re not – they’re not _sufficient_. They’re like painted backdrops on a stage (flat and nice to look at, if only for the illusion of context) or a jigsaw puzzle from a thrift store (barely enough to tell you what it could have been – missing pieces nag and itch and it’s not worth the irritation, it never is). He only really admires his brother; first, for what he is, and then for what he holds him up to be.

Tsukishima Akiteru glows. He’s passionate and hardworking and golden – Tsukishima doubts he could ever be like him. He hopes for it anyway. He isn’t sure what he’s hoping for, exactly, but he holds it tight to his chest, like some kind of childhood treasure. A firefly glowing through the cage of slender fingers and faith; a glittering maybe-moon rock, or perhaps, a secret yearning to be just like his hero – these are some of the things Tsukishima keeps close to him when he is a boy. The night before his brother’s last volleyball match, he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose with blind confidence and makes a wish on a shooting star.

Later on, he learns that there’s a minor caveat when it comes to shooting stars.

They all burn out. 

He stands in the hallway, looking at his brother crumpled on the floor of his room – he turns away and tells himself: _you did this to him._

So he throws away all his expectations, all his aspirations. They’re too destructive for him to keep.

 

iii – omission lie

He reflects that the main difference between elementary and high school is probably the presence of Yamaguchi Tadashi. He’s aware that from an outside point of view, it sometimes looks as if Yamaguchi is only a hapless sidekick of sorts. He knows better than anyone else that it’s the farthest thing from the truth, though.

To start off, Tsukishima has never really been good at making friends. He understands how people work in only the worst kind of way, and he’s too used to shutting people out for anything to change overnight. Yamaguchi is the only person who has stuck with him throughout years of lonely apathy for god-knows-what reason. It’s a mystery to Tsukishima – he is not a nice person and both of them understand that.

Still, Yamaguchi snickers at his commentary (ranging from passive-aggressive to downright rude) but never tries to make excuses for either of them. He’s loud enough to cut through the buzz of his headphones in the mornings and defends him when Tsukishima certainly doesn’t need it, and he’s always _there –_  

Tsukishima is grateful for it.

He spends an embarrassingly long time trying to figure out what it means when Yamaguchi smiles and apologizes. Yamaguchi smiles and suddenly it’s bright and warm and safe, like coming home after a day of being out in the bitter cold and freezing rain. He laughs, light and airy and teasing, and says, _Sorry, Tsukki!_ It’s not really an apology in the truest sense of the word but it’s never insincere, either. He’s honest and earnest and grounded – Yamaguchi does not want the impossible or wish for the sun in his hands. To his slight apprehension, Tsukishima finds himself falling into the familiar rhythm of expectation again.

 

iv – if, then

They join the volleyball club together and Tsukishima faces off against two boys who crave the world and aren’t shy about it. They want to be the best, they want to win, they want to be the last ones standing, and looking at them is like looking at his brother once upon a time, so many years ago. He doesn’t feel any fondness this time. There is nothing good to be found in labored breath and tunnel vision. Setting yourself on fire is only ever worth it if you want to burn alive.

 _How about we throw the game for you?_ he wants to know, except he doesn’t really, because it’s probably one of the more offensive things he could have said; which is of course why he said it.

Kageyama scowls and seethes dark; Tsukishima scoffs inwardly when Hinata radiates anger and blazes bright like a sun flare.

 _What’s wrong, Tsukki?_ Yamaguchi asks a few minutes later when they’re walking home. Tsukishima can only shove his hands deeper into his pockets and walk ahead with stiff shoulders and a building pressure in his jaw.

 _I hate people who get too intense about everything,_ he says back. What he leaves unsaid is that he is afraid: afraid of being them, and afraid of breaking them with the crushing weight of good intentions.

Yamaguchi is silent behind him. Tsukishima knows the other boy can see through whatever he says to what he actually means. He can’t decide if he hates it or not. 

Later, he resolves that he doesn’t.

 

v – and yet 

They stop walking home together – Yamaguchi leaves after practice to go somewhere else ( _sorry, tsukki!)_ and Tsukishima makes an attempt at pretending to not know why. He does his best to persuade himself that Yamaguchi leaving him behind doesn’t hurt, no, not at all.

Loneliness tastes bitter. 

It’s a pity he’s always had more of a sweet tooth.

 

vi - fragility

Yamaguchi’s called up to pinch serve when Karasuno is trailing two points behind at 17:19 – the rest of the team gather around him and encourage him to the best of their ability, although Tsukishima remains where he is, two feet from the net on the left side of the court. The air is too hot for him to breathe comfortably, and he half-heartedly wipes the sweat from his face with the back of his hand. Fifteen feet away, Yamaguchi steps onto the court with tense body language that screams anxiety and a look of abject terror on his face. 

Sugawara glances at him quizzically from the warm up area when Tsukishima stays still, and Daichi gives him more than one meaningful look in between patting Yamaguchi on the back and psyching up the rest of the team. He gets the message, but Tsukishima more than anybody understands how much pressure there is when you are being depended on, and how easy it is to break under it. He could tell Yamaguchi that everything would be okay, or at the very least, he could make eye contact with him and maybe that would put him at ease. Even if he did, though, it would be a bald-faced lie, and he’s never been able to lie to Yamaguchi. 

There is an inordinate amount of people focused on Yamaguchi, and Tsukishima looks away; concentrates on Seijou’s middle blockers instead. He distantly thinks that he might be the one person in the hall who _isn’t_ watching Yamaguchi. The sound of a ball bouncing off the court echoes and Tsukishima winces a little on the inside; knowing Yamaguchi probably slipped up and dropped the ball or something. He manages to stop himself from hoping Yamaguchi will make the serve, and he tries to convince himself that he’s not disappointed when he fails.

 

vii - pathos 

 _The way you’ve been acting lately is really pathetic,_ Yamaguchi tells him, slightly out of breath and looking him in the eyes with the kind of straightforwardness Tsukishima has learned to shy away from. Tsukishima’s eyes widen, and then narrow. _You could be better; you could be the best –_

 _What’s the point?_ Tsukishima can’t understand why anyone would set themselves up for a fall; why they would leave themselves open to the brutal pain of disappointment.

And then Yamaguchi grabs the front of Tsukishima’s shirt (his heart misses a beat out of surprise) and yanks him down to his height – he’s glaring at him with a force in his eyes that Tsukishima’s never seen, and he yells, _what more do you need than pride?_

They stand inches apart, locked together by heavy breathing and the set tension of Yamaguchi’s fingers in his collar. It’s quiet for a few seconds, and then Tsukishima relaxes into Yamaguchi’s grip, prompting him to let go.

 _Just when did you get so cool?_ he asks with a quiet chuckle, stifling another laugh at the complete bewilderment on Yamaguchi’s face and the faint flush that darkens on his cheeks. He’s smiling before he realizes and he registers that this might be the first genuine smile he’s given Yamaguchi since grade school.

He still disagrees with him, but something is different this time around. 

(and maybe part of it is the smile on his face: relieved and exhausted and happy all at once. tsukishima recognizes that yamaguchi never intended to leave him behind; at least, not for long. so he takes the offered hand and takes his first step forward. he thinks dryly that yamaguchi may not want the stars in the sky, but he’s definitely shooting for the moon. that’s okay, though – the moon is something he knows they can reach.)

Late in the evening, when everyone else is sleeping deeper than the dead and the moonlight slants through the windows, Tsukishima studies Yamaguchi’s sleeping face. He counts constellations in the freckles on his face and notes the subtle flickering of his eyelashes as he dreams, and it’s _almost_ enough.

 

viii - inches

After the training camp ends, they walk home together like almost-always, like they used to. Summer fades away temporarily in the wake of nightfall and the faint chirp of crickets is the only thing breaking the silence between the two of them. It’s an easier silence than before, like not needing to say anything instead of not knowing what to. Sometimes the back of Yamaguchi’s hand will brush against Tsukishima’s knuckles, but neither of them really mind. Tsukishima curls his fingers against his palms and wonders if putting forth effort to get what he wants is honestly that terrible of an idea.

 

ix – do you

The day before the prefecture preliminaries, Tsukishima comes home to a brother he hasn’t talked to in years and the weight of a confrontation he has been running away from for far too long. 

 _I made you see something disgraceful,_ Akiteru says later that night with a bitter smile. Tsukishima spots a few fireflies in a corner of the yard. _I can’t do anything about that now, but I already knew what makes volleyball fun._

There are a lot of things Tsukishima wants to tell him: that he’s never really been disappointed in Akiteru, that he thinks it’s admirable of him to keep playing volleyball even after the incident in high school, that it wasn’t really the sport that amazed him as a child but the passion and attitude he played it with. 

 _I want to be somewhere;_ Akiteru begins again, expression clearing, _where I can really give it my all until I’m satisfied._

Tsukishima looks at him with half-surprise, and pauses for a moment before saying, _I see._

Because this time, he does.

 

x – you want to be an astronaut (take 2)

He starts to want to go to the moon again.

After the match against Kakugawa, Tsukishima turns to Yamaguchi and leans down a little; so close their noses are almost touching. Yamaguchi glances up and then jolts, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. 

In the few seconds that pass, he very nearly kisses him but doesn’t; instead giving him one more open smile and saying, _thanks, Yamaguchi._

He faces forward again and wonders vaguely when he’ll stop being satisfied with _almost_ s and _nearly_ s – he thinks that maybe wanting more, wanting better and best isn’t such a bad thing.

But it’s enough, for now.

 

xi – addendum 

Years later, Tsukishima Kei looks down from the moon to watch Yamaguchi Tadashi sleeping soundly on his shoulder with a kind of affection he wouldn’t have thought possible. He tells himself: _you really didn’t expect enough._

**Author's Note:**

> i am so tired shucky darn and they didn't even smooch


End file.
